this is a repost of something i wrote a couple of years ago. i'm currently doing a book study with some ladies. tonight we talked about daniel and the significance of his name change which then came to be about the names that we are given and names that we call ourselves. the names God gives us can never be taken away and sometimes we just need that reminder; that little whisper; "you are my child."
it isn't ironic. it's not even coincidental or fate or by chance. in the old testament, names were given based on personalities or characteristics of the individual. in many cases, God actually renamed people to fit who He had intended for them to be instead of the person the world defined them as. jacob became israel because he wrestled with God; abram, abraham as he would one day be the father of many. God told the newly renamed abraham to name his son isaac because he was about to bring much laughter to the older, barren couple. later God renames saul to be paul.
my name is amanda, and god named me. my parents had been expecting a boy. they were so caught off guard by my femaleness that their lack of choosing a name caused a delay in my release from the hospital. out of desperation my parents agreed to pray as they parted ways one day. they reunited at the end of the day, each carrying a slip of paper. i like to imagine my dad walking down the hospital hallways with sweaty palms and a nervous heart, wondering if what he carried in his hand would match anything my mom had heard from God. when at last their papers exchanged hands, i picture shock and awe and gratefulness as they read "amanda" written by the hands of their beloved. just like God told abraham to name his son isaac, He told ron and denise to name their daughter amanda.
now, as a twenty-nine-year-old woman, i am finally understanding the depth of just why God chose that name for me. i have spent most of my life feeling broken down, tired, sometimes ugly, and often unloved (although many people have loved me very well). God knew that this would be a lifelong battle for me; that there would be days of extreme loneliness even in the midst of people; that i would be my worst enemy in finding a fulfilling kind of love; that even when i felt loved, i would be uncomfortable. He knew that there would be a need for a daily reminder, a sort of stamp on my soul. God gave me something i could never get rid of, even in spite of myself. He branded me with a meaning, a characteristic that the world could never reshape no matter the circumstances. God named me amanda, "worthy of love". in that, there is no irony.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Thursday, January 03, 2013
New Year
I gave one of my most favorite gifts this Christmas. I spent a lot of time planning and scheming, getting advice from others, gluing, coloring, writing, and driving around to gather stuff. But it was so fun!
The adjustment to marriage has been hard. I feel like I've spent the last few months pointing out all of the things that we need to work on. In light of this, I decided it was time to focus on the positive. I also really love the idea of relational giving (adventconspiracy.org).
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So I made a list of things that Steve likes to do and I turned them into dates. 12 Dates of Christmas, only this is more like 11 Dates of the Year. One for every month but April (our first anniversary will be something we plan together). Steve gets to open one a week before the 1st of each month and then we'll put it on the calendar. I will be learning new things and participating in activities that I never thought I would engage in.
Here's to a new year full of new adventures, growing love, and much laughter with my love!
The adjustment to marriage has been hard. I feel like I've spent the last few months pointing out all of the things that we need to work on. In light of this, I decided it was time to focus on the positive. I also really love the idea of relational giving (adventconspiracy.org).
.jpeg)
So I made a list of things that Steve likes to do and I turned them into dates. 12 Dates of Christmas, only this is more like 11 Dates of the Year. One for every month but April (our first anniversary will be something we plan together). Steve gets to open one a week before the 1st of each month and then we'll put it on the calendar. I will be learning new things and participating in activities that I never thought I would engage in.
Here's to a new year full of new adventures, growing love, and much laughter with my love!
Monday, December 24, 2012
The Ugliest Most Beautiful Gift
I recently made an addition to the decor on my desk at work. It's pretty ugly and I keet waiting to hear someone jokingly mutter about it under their breath as they walk past. But no one has. In truth, they probably don't know that I think it's ugly and are doing their best to avoid hurting my feelings. I'm kind of surprised that no one has even asked me where it came from or why it's there. It's really not my style, but more like that of the movie stereotypical grandmother who collects all sorts of things. Yet I've had it for nearly ten years. I've moved it to three cities and six houses. Each time unpacking it and putting it in the trash pile. If I were Bilbo Baggins, this would be my ring. (That might be a stretch, but you get the idea). It always calls to me from the trash and I continue to rescue it. Why?
It was the fall of 2003 and I was on my student teaching adventure in a diverse school in the Uptown neighborhood in Chicago. I was nearing what had been a tough, eye-opening semester during which I questioned whether or not I really had what it takes to be a teacher. They were a beautiful little class of varying ethnicities and personalities; a representation of the surrounding community. They were also urban almost-middle-schoolers and a somewhat difficult class to manage. I loved them, but I was quite often grateful that I had a "real" teacher present to guide me at all times.
It's traditional to have a little going away party for student teachers and this class was no different. On my last day, we had treats and the kids gave me all kinds of cards saying I was the best teacher ever (yes, some of the kids were lying). Some of the kids had gone with their parents to the corner store and brought me little candies, but it was the gift of this one little girl that still adorns my desk ten years later.
I remember that she was Vietnamese and that her parents spoke almost no English. In fact, they had come to parent teacher conferences and we had not been able to successfully communicate with them. The girl would wear the same outfit for a couple of days in a row, but she was always clean. She had the face of an angel; one of those faces that literally beamed when she smiled. It was that face that brought me a wrapped gift on that, my last, day as her student teacher. I unwrapped it, preparing myself to give off an air of joy (fellow teachers will understand this), and reminded myself to smile and thank the girl.
It wasn't until years later that I could fully appreciate the gift. The little girl thought it was beautiful and she wanted to give me a beautiful gift. I don't know the story of what it took for the girl to get the gift or what her family had to sacrifice so that she could, but I can imagine. I'm certain there was no allowance to save up or extra money in the bank. Yet this little girl found a way to send me off with something of beauty. Why? Probably because she loved me. That is not a statement of pride, but of awe. I did nothing special for her to love me.
Just like I did nothing special to be loved, but God sent Jesus to die for me anyway.
Just like I hope to love on kids who come through our house in years to come.
So I keep this gift on my desk as a reminder; that there is beauty in the unexpected; to ask about people's stories; to love without expectations and with abandon; to hold close to my heart that I was and am loved in much the same way.
May you find something once thought ugly and, tonight, find a beauty hovering in its depths.
It was the fall of 2003 and I was on my student teaching adventure in a diverse school in the Uptown neighborhood in Chicago. I was nearing what had been a tough, eye-opening semester during which I questioned whether or not I really had what it takes to be a teacher. They were a beautiful little class of varying ethnicities and personalities; a representation of the surrounding community. They were also urban almost-middle-schoolers and a somewhat difficult class to manage. I loved them, but I was quite often grateful that I had a "real" teacher present to guide me at all times.
It's traditional to have a little going away party for student teachers and this class was no different. On my last day, we had treats and the kids gave me all kinds of cards saying I was the best teacher ever (yes, some of the kids were lying). Some of the kids had gone with their parents to the corner store and brought me little candies, but it was the gift of this one little girl that still adorns my desk ten years later.
I remember that she was Vietnamese and that her parents spoke almost no English. In fact, they had come to parent teacher conferences and we had not been able to successfully communicate with them. The girl would wear the same outfit for a couple of days in a row, but she was always clean. She had the face of an angel; one of those faces that literally beamed when she smiled. It was that face that brought me a wrapped gift on that, my last, day as her student teacher. I unwrapped it, preparing myself to give off an air of joy (fellow teachers will understand this), and reminded myself to smile and thank the girl.
It wasn't until years later that I could fully appreciate the gift. The little girl thought it was beautiful and she wanted to give me a beautiful gift. I don't know the story of what it took for the girl to get the gift or what her family had to sacrifice so that she could, but I can imagine. I'm certain there was no allowance to save up or extra money in the bank. Yet this little girl found a way to send me off with something of beauty. Why? Probably because she loved me. That is not a statement of pride, but of awe. I did nothing special for her to love me.
Just like I did nothing special to be loved, but God sent Jesus to die for me anyway.
Just like I hope to love on kids who come through our house in years to come.
So I keep this gift on my desk as a reminder; that there is beauty in the unexpected; to ask about people's stories; to love without expectations and with abandon; to hold close to my heart that I was and am loved in much the same way.
May you find something once thought ugly and, tonight, find a beauty hovering in its depths.
Sunday, December 02, 2012
not just a basket
This is why I love my job:
I know. That picture really tells you nothing. Here's the deal: that little guy is carrying a basket full of games, crafts, and books to be given to families in need around our city this Christmas. This weekend our church put together somewhere near eight hundred of these. It takes literally (at least) a hundred volunteers to pull off the full scope of the project. Today, I watched as people gathered and sorted and bundled and prettied. My favorite part was watching the little ones. The curly-headed four year old who unwrapped the blankets that would line the baskets; the preteen who eagerly did anything she was asked; the eight year old who collected the trash strewn about; mr. muscles (above) moving baskets from one spot to the next. Kids (and adults) gave their time to create baskets that, when used as intended, would give the gift of "time together" to families. You see, these baskets are not your typical Christmas gifts. They are filled with items that bring family members around the table. It's a gift of relationships and memories that will last well beyond the breakable toys that will soon go out of style.
Like the picture above, there's always something deeper than what is initially seen in the work that I get to do. Not long ago we helped move a greenhouse from one organization onto the property of another. Greenhouse? What? Well, let's just say that it's in a pretty desperate part of the city. What looks like just a greenhouse is actually going to become a place where seeds are started which in turn will become gardens in the spring. When the vegetables are ready to harvest, people in the neighborhood will get to pick and take them home. Perhaps they'll get seeds to start their own garden. Just a greenhouse? Nope. It's fresh, nutritious foods for an area of the city where the word "fresh" isn't known. It's community in its purest form as people come together to care for and protect the garden.
Like the landscaping we got to help with for a foster family. It was more than just dirt and plants and mulch. It was creating a safe and beautiful space for kids to be kids in the midst of what is a very harsh life for some. It's a place for the foster parents to sit outside on a cool evening and enjoy each other after they've put their eight children to bed. It's a garden where relationships built on trust can grow.
Or the 90th birthday party we had the honor of putting on. More than a party, it was honoring the life of a woman who has many a reason to keep grudges and honestly, to hold hate captive in her heart, but who instead loves with great abandon and care.
Yes, I coordinate workdays. But it's really so much more. God has given me a front row seat to watch as He heals and restores individuals and communities. There are workdays (days when I coordinate volunteer projects) when I am so overwhelmed that I can only express myself in tears. The tears are not provoked by the number of baskets we made or what we planted in the garden. It's the trust; the relationships; the generosity of time; the gift of love and mercy so often found in the unexpected places.
So on a day like today when I watch the little guy moving baskets that weigh almost as much as he does...so that someone he'll probably never meet can experience all these things...
speechless. grateful. humbled.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
wedding in pictures
this is my last post about our wedding...for real...or at least for this month.
anticipation of getting to see my groom.
excitement over a gift that i put so much of myself into.
getting to hang out with these cool dudes...
and these pretty ladies.
including beautiful parts of the city in our day.
a quiet moment ,
a rainy moment,
a moment frozen in time
children's laughter and clinking bells.
moms.
dad.
and one we love like a brother.
little things:
like beautiful art (thank you kathee),
like beautiful art (thank you kathee),
hand-painted bottles (thank you ladies),
remembering our loved ones,
two hearts,
pink shoes,
an old guitar
and a song.
moments:
like cake in the nose
like cake in the nose
a waltz,
a twelve year old catching the bouquet
and a baby vying for the garter.
there was the guy who started this whole thing,
a most amazing sky,
and a daddy dancing with his daughter.
and, of course, who can forget the magic....
Monday, September 10, 2012
God did good
i heard someone talking about our wedding this weekend. i was so overwhelmed at the reminder of God's goodness that the tears were flowing and then i remembered that i hadn't returned to share here.
people warned us that the day would go fast. we were advised to steal moments as observers and to not hurry through it all. boy, were those people right. even with intentional moments to be a fly on the wall, i still find that i only recall pieces of the day. while it's difficult to remember, there are things are forever etched in my heart.
like the way steve looked at me when we first saw each other. words cannot do justice the awe, the joy, the overwhelmingness. it was the purest of looks.
speaking of looks....i also will never forget the way the best man looked at steve (which i could see when i faced steve). it was similar to that of a proud father. a beaming. a man that has invested so much of himself in steve's life and couldn't help but ooze love and joy at the man steve has become.
and my little bell ringers....exactly what i had dreamed of for years (thanks to some college friends who i stole the idea from). one little boy specifically; one unabashedly creative little boy who decided to humor us all while we waited our turn to walk the aisle. he did so by turning his bells into ears like shrek's. imagine us all trying to stifle our laughs.
at one point the pastor made us turn around and face our guests, telling us to look at everyone that had come because they loved us and wanted to support us. i will never forget panning the room and trying to take in every face. it's overwhelming to think we are so loved and supported.
i remember ashley's hallelujah's. my favorite line from my favorite song. sung so differently and yet so perfectly.
and i remember "God did good" which is what the pastor that gave the blessing near the end reminded us. God didn't just do good. He did way better than my little mind could have ever even imagined.
steve and i have this thing that we say to each other. it started innocently in a letter i wrote to steve, but in recent months has become a much more intentional saying in our house: God gives good gifts. what a gift. not just steve. not just marriage. but that there is a God who loves me enough to give me exactly what i need in a partner. not only that, but that He brings together a whole slew of people to love, push, champion, and advise us as we travel this road together. and what an extra special gift that a majority of them gathered in one place at the same time to help us celebrate.
God did good. amen.
people warned us that the day would go fast. we were advised to steal moments as observers and to not hurry through it all. boy, were those people right. even with intentional moments to be a fly on the wall, i still find that i only recall pieces of the day. while it's difficult to remember, there are things are forever etched in my heart.
like the way steve looked at me when we first saw each other. words cannot do justice the awe, the joy, the overwhelmingness. it was the purest of looks.
speaking of looks....i also will never forget the way the best man looked at steve (which i could see when i faced steve). it was similar to that of a proud father. a beaming. a man that has invested so much of himself in steve's life and couldn't help but ooze love and joy at the man steve has become.
and my little bell ringers....exactly what i had dreamed of for years (thanks to some college friends who i stole the idea from). one little boy specifically; one unabashedly creative little boy who decided to humor us all while we waited our turn to walk the aisle. he did so by turning his bells into ears like shrek's. imagine us all trying to stifle our laughs.
at one point the pastor made us turn around and face our guests, telling us to look at everyone that had come because they loved us and wanted to support us. i will never forget panning the room and trying to take in every face. it's overwhelming to think we are so loved and supported.
i remember ashley's hallelujah's. my favorite line from my favorite song. sung so differently and yet so perfectly.
and i remember "God did good" which is what the pastor that gave the blessing near the end reminded us. God didn't just do good. He did way better than my little mind could have ever even imagined.
steve and i have this thing that we say to each other. it started innocently in a letter i wrote to steve, but in recent months has become a much more intentional saying in our house: God gives good gifts. what a gift. not just steve. not just marriage. but that there is a God who loves me enough to give me exactly what i need in a partner. not only that, but that He brings together a whole slew of people to love, push, champion, and advise us as we travel this road together. and what an extra special gift that a majority of them gathered in one place at the same time to help us celebrate.
God did good. amen.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
our wedding: behind the scenes edition
a friend sent this link to us recently.
i think she was trying to help us feel better about what happened at our wedding, or rather in the hours after our wedding. i'm not sure what is worse: the whole wedding party falling in the lake or nearly 100 guests who wind up sick post-wedding? but i'm getting ahead of myself. perhaps you would like to know the whole story.
i found myself surprisingly calm on my wedding day. i had experienced all of the stressful moments i could the day before and had decided that nothing would get in the way of my marrying my best friend. so when mom and i were on our way to hotel to get ready and discovered that we had left the boutonnieres behind, it was no big deal.
and when my maid of honor, my mom, and myself got stuck in an elevator, it was no big deal. we were innocently on our way to get the flowers out of the car when the elevator just stopped. i suggested we were stuck. mom assured me we were moving. then it got hot. and the doors didn't open. i always wondered what it would be like to use the emergency phone. i told the guy on the other end that i was sure we were stuck and that i was getting married. he made some not so funny jokes, but then said they would work to get us out as quickly as they could. we giggled a lot. it was really hot. people yelled at us through the elevator shaft. steve freaked out. we giggled some more. eventually, we were rescued. thirty minutes later, i had forgotten that it had even happened.
so when steve called to say that our "getaway car" wouldn't start, it really wasn't a big deal. steve would tell you that it was a dream of his to drive his friends' 1967 Chevelle with the woman of his dreams by his side. he was disappointed, but at the end of the day, he was still getting the woman of his dreams. (that, and we ended up with really nice Porsche to drive instead)
the rain that came while we were taking pictures also wasn't a big deal. our photographer knew how to use it to his advantage and had some good covered places to snap shots.
when we were told we couldn't use the six hundred sparklers we had purchased, it still wasn't a big deal. by that time we were married and we could always find a way to get some cool sparkler shots another time.
but when we got the phone call from the hotel, THAT was a BIG deal. two months before our wedding, steve had booked our wedding night at a hotel we could never even consider staying at on a regular day due to fancyness. he had even called two days before our wedding to confirm our reservation. we were literally blocks from the hotel when the call from the hotel manager came (and not just the front desk manager. we're talking higher up). i only really heard "sorry....no room....more people stayed than expected....no room anywhere." i am embarrassed by the rudeness that came out of me at that point. (i did apologize to the poor guy the next day). we are not totally sure what happened, but we speculate this: someone made a mistake and then because of a 20,000 person conference, a Cardinals game, and the Blues rally, they overbooked. after we got over the shock, stopped in at the hotel to get the details we couldn't get on the phone, we decided to drive around until we were sure the coast was clear at our house. then the next call came. the hotel had found us a room...at the kirkwood best western. yes, you read that right. from a five-star hotel to the best western. it was a room, a nice room at that, and they were kind to us. what was a big deal resolved itself as i got to sleep next to my husband after a long and amazing day.
or so i thought. i had only slept for about two hours when the vicious cramps started. cramps that landed me in the bathroom every 20-30 minutes for the rest of the night. turns out i wasn't the only one. when we both finally got around to turning our phones on the next morning, we were greeted with several messages from people who had been dealing with the sickness as well. over the next several hours (as we drove to our honeymoon destination), we pieced it all together and guessed that probably around a hundred to a hundred and twenty-five people were sick with what appeared to be a diarrheal virus. even though i couldn't control it, i felt absolutely horrible. and sad. my wedding would be known as the one that everyone got sick at. ugh.
there are other things i could write about. like how there was a major mess-up at our venue, both in set up and in clean up. my family was actually asked to clean the bathrooms. (luckily, my sister is good at saying no). or that on our honeymoon, steve sliced his finger open and i severely broke my glasses. OR that all this stuff culminated in my getting a bacterial infection that manifested itself in huge bug-bite-looking-bruise-feeling welts all over my torso. or that we didn't get any cake :(
Monday, December 05, 2011
the proposal - an entry from my journal
i know many of you have been waiting to hear the proposal story. i apologize for the delay; the last several weeks have been dizzily busy. the words i post today are actually my journal entry from the night steve proposed.
november 20, 2011
it was hard to see through the tears; happy ones of course, but i could tell the ring was indeed shiny. or maybe it was the tears that made it sparkle. today was the day i got asked the question that i dreamed of for years...hoping for someone who would hold my hand through this crazy life. someone who would laugh in the midst of chaos with me - for i picture a little bit of just that with a house full of kiddos. speaking of kiddos, i've been searching for someone who will partner with me to redeem the idea of family and love for kids who otherwise would never know these. you dream and search and cry and beg God for these things for years. you hit the verge of giving up many times, but somehow find the strength to press on instead. and in a small moment, it all can change. at least it did for me.
we went for a walk in our favorite park today....rainy and 38 degrees. we stopped along the path to enjoy new-to-us sculptures and animals that we thought we heard. the path dumped us out into clearing which held a big grassy mound. there was a steepness to this pile that prevented people from scurrying up its side. the sculptor had planned it this way as there were also steps to take you to its top. we climbed and i got ahead after feeling sure-footed at the top. he told me not to get too far ahead so i turned around. and just as he did the night we first held hands, he seized the moment, pulling me close. he's always been really great about saying sweet, encouraging things and he did so just then. he finished by saying "i'm going to make you my wife." he has said this before, of course to reassure my own heart so i simply responded with "i know." "no, really. i'm going to make you my wife. can i see your hand?" and in another blip of a moment, he was on his knee, on the wet, muddy grass. on the top of that small mountain, he offered to be my partner; to walk through this crazy life, to laugh in chaos, to love on kids, to change the world with me and asking me to love him for life. then came the tears....
and somewhere in there, a pretty ring.
oh, and michael shelley was out in the woods...taking pictures.
november 20, 2011
it was hard to see through the tears; happy ones of course, but i could tell the ring was indeed shiny. or maybe it was the tears that made it sparkle. today was the day i got asked the question that i dreamed of for years...hoping for someone who would hold my hand through this crazy life. someone who would laugh in the midst of chaos with me - for i picture a little bit of just that with a house full of kiddos. speaking of kiddos, i've been searching for someone who will partner with me to redeem the idea of family and love for kids who otherwise would never know these. you dream and search and cry and beg God for these things for years. you hit the verge of giving up many times, but somehow find the strength to press on instead. and in a small moment, it all can change. at least it did for me.
we went for a walk in our favorite park today....rainy and 38 degrees. we stopped along the path to enjoy new-to-us sculptures and animals that we thought we heard. the path dumped us out into clearing which held a big grassy mound. there was a steepness to this pile that prevented people from scurrying up its side. the sculptor had planned it this way as there were also steps to take you to its top. we climbed and i got ahead after feeling sure-footed at the top. he told me not to get too far ahead so i turned around. and just as he did the night we first held hands, he seized the moment, pulling me close. he's always been really great about saying sweet, encouraging things and he did so just then. he finished by saying "i'm going to make you my wife." he has said this before, of course to reassure my own heart so i simply responded with "i know." "no, really. i'm going to make you my wife. can i see your hand?" and in another blip of a moment, he was on his knee, on the wet, muddy grass. on the top of that small mountain, he offered to be my partner; to walk through this crazy life, to laugh in chaos, to love on kids, to change the world with me and asking me to love him for life. then came the tears....
and somewhere in there, a pretty ring.
oh, and michael shelley was out in the woods...taking pictures.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
the end of the beginning of the story
i left the concert a year ago tonight with a bit of a new perspective on steve. you see, sometimes it takes being forced into a new situation with a person to change your perspective, to wipe away your initial judgements.
the evening had started with a group of people at a restaurant very near my home. let me tell you, there's nothing quite as awkward as going on a non-date in the presence of a group of people who know that the boy is interested in you and are analyzing your every move in attempt to figure out what's going on inside of your head in regards to the boy. after dinner, steve and i walked from one end of the loop to the other. it was raining and i had mistakenly chosen to wear heels which meant it was extra slippery. when he offered his arm to keep me from falling, i was begrudgingly impressed. I worried about what using his arm communicated to him, but knew that i needed it to get down the street safely.
let me just pause here for a moment and point out what a great example this is of our need for community. we need others more than we are ever really aware of or even willing to admit. i have most definitely been a victim of my own stubbornness in the past; trying to do things on my own sometimes to my detriment. we were created to do life in community. ever since i acknowledged that and allowed people to be my community on a much deeper level, my life has not only been easier, but filled with deep contentment. i was already working on this before i met steve, but having him in my life has made me grow so much more in this area.
back to the story. with his arm, i did make it to the pageant safely. we found a place to stand near the back with our friends, the rowton's, for the opening act, but then moved to the front with our friends, the burke's (they were not yet my friends at this point), for the main act. in between the two bands, steve and i talked a little. it was mostly just friendly get-to-know-you-chat, but he said two things during the course of this that made me go, "hmm." what he said shall remain between the two of us, but i will tell you that it showed his tender side and gave me a glimpse of the fact that he probably understood me more than i ever thought he would. by the time he dropped me off at my house that evening, i thought that we could be friends. but only friends as i was still convinced that i would never date him.
that was a year ago tonight.
the rest of the significant part of the beginning of steve and my love story really happens in december. the brief overview is that we started texting and then g-chatting while at work. there was an occasional email and we started including each other in group activities. my birthday happened in early december. i had invited him but then spent the entire evening a little disappointed that he had strategically sat next me through most of the night. for reasons i will not detail, it turned out to be a good thing that he was with me. after this, i started to look forward to talking to him. one friday (december 17), when thinking about my plans for the evening, i found myself really wanting to hang out with him. so we made plans for a late movie. i spent most of the evening wondering if he was going to try to hold my hand and contemplating what my reaction would be. at one point, i caught him staring at me. and then again later. about the third time i noticed him staring, i expressed my uncomfortability with this in a sarcastic statement and put my hand up to block my face for minute. he seized the moment, and in one swift move, i was holding his hand. i liked it, until the movie was over and then remembered that i only wanted to be friends with him and that friends don't hold hands like that. that very sentence was what i used in my freak out over the phone with him the following day. his response? i think we aren't just friends any more and you need to accept that. those were not his exact words, but that was his point.
the following week, we met for a walk in the park which then turned into a long conversation in his car in the parking lot. (and by conversation, i really do mean conversation). the following night, we were both to be at a rehearsal at church. i still did not want people to know that we were holding hands, but i wanted to hold his hand. he had gotten to church before me so i called him and asked if he would come out to my car. he did and we held hands in secret before going in to rehearsal. i know how ridiculous this sounds, but it really was nice to just have him and whatever was going on between us all to ourselves for a little bit. over an intense weekend of christmas services at church, we would steal glances, sneak texts, and talk with our eyes. and then people started to notice...
so that's the story...at least the very very beginning of it. we decided to call the movie our first date. so our anniversary really isn't until december 17, but i can't help recalling the events of this week. i mean, they have significantly changed my life. and this time, this change, is good.
the evening had started with a group of people at a restaurant very near my home. let me tell you, there's nothing quite as awkward as going on a non-date in the presence of a group of people who know that the boy is interested in you and are analyzing your every move in attempt to figure out what's going on inside of your head in regards to the boy. after dinner, steve and i walked from one end of the loop to the other. it was raining and i had mistakenly chosen to wear heels which meant it was extra slippery. when he offered his arm to keep me from falling, i was begrudgingly impressed. I worried about what using his arm communicated to him, but knew that i needed it to get down the street safely.
let me just pause here for a moment and point out what a great example this is of our need for community. we need others more than we are ever really aware of or even willing to admit. i have most definitely been a victim of my own stubbornness in the past; trying to do things on my own sometimes to my detriment. we were created to do life in community. ever since i acknowledged that and allowed people to be my community on a much deeper level, my life has not only been easier, but filled with deep contentment. i was already working on this before i met steve, but having him in my life has made me grow so much more in this area.
back to the story. with his arm, i did make it to the pageant safely. we found a place to stand near the back with our friends, the rowton's, for the opening act, but then moved to the front with our friends, the burke's (they were not yet my friends at this point), for the main act. in between the two bands, steve and i talked a little. it was mostly just friendly get-to-know-you-chat, but he said two things during the course of this that made me go, "hmm." what he said shall remain between the two of us, but i will tell you that it showed his tender side and gave me a glimpse of the fact that he probably understood me more than i ever thought he would. by the time he dropped me off at my house that evening, i thought that we could be friends. but only friends as i was still convinced that i would never date him.
that was a year ago tonight.
the rest of the significant part of the beginning of steve and my love story really happens in december. the brief overview is that we started texting and then g-chatting while at work. there was an occasional email and we started including each other in group activities. my birthday happened in early december. i had invited him but then spent the entire evening a little disappointed that he had strategically sat next me through most of the night. for reasons i will not detail, it turned out to be a good thing that he was with me. after this, i started to look forward to talking to him. one friday (december 17), when thinking about my plans for the evening, i found myself really wanting to hang out with him. so we made plans for a late movie. i spent most of the evening wondering if he was going to try to hold my hand and contemplating what my reaction would be. at one point, i caught him staring at me. and then again later. about the third time i noticed him staring, i expressed my uncomfortability with this in a sarcastic statement and put my hand up to block my face for minute. he seized the moment, and in one swift move, i was holding his hand. i liked it, until the movie was over and then remembered that i only wanted to be friends with him and that friends don't hold hands like that. that very sentence was what i used in my freak out over the phone with him the following day. his response? i think we aren't just friends any more and you need to accept that. those were not his exact words, but that was his point.
the following week, we met for a walk in the park which then turned into a long conversation in his car in the parking lot. (and by conversation, i really do mean conversation). the following night, we were both to be at a rehearsal at church. i still did not want people to know that we were holding hands, but i wanted to hold his hand. he had gotten to church before me so i called him and asked if he would come out to my car. he did and we held hands in secret before going in to rehearsal. i know how ridiculous this sounds, but it really was nice to just have him and whatever was going on between us all to ourselves for a little bit. over an intense weekend of christmas services at church, we would steal glances, sneak texts, and talk with our eyes. and then people started to notice...
so that's the story...at least the very very beginning of it. we decided to call the movie our first date. so our anniversary really isn't until december 17, but i can't help recalling the events of this week. i mean, they have significantly changed my life. and this time, this change, is good.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
when first he called
if you are just joining us, you will probably want to read the last two posts.
even though nothing significant happened a year ago yesterday, you should know that our dear friend nate cybertron was prepping me for whatt would happen a year ago today. the first text from him seemed so innocent: "what are you doing wednesday night?" my response, "nothing, you want to hang out?" was returned with, "you'll have to see and wait." (yes, he really wrote see and wait, not wait and see)
more confused, i bombarded him with texts that really got me no more answers which then prompted me to bug him more over the course of the next couple of days. it wasn't until two days later that i had a clue; this time the message read "you will be receiving a call this evening. make sure you answer."
he was right. at 7:09 pm, the phone rang, and of course, i screened it.
in what i now affectionately call his radio voice, steve said he had an extra ticket to a concert that a bunch of people were going to and that he thought i might like to use it. after hearing the message, i had no idea what to do. at this point, i still wanted very little to do with him. i most definitely did not want him to think this was a date nor did i want him to think that it would lead to more hanging out. i did what any woman in my situation would do: i called another woman. only the woman i called upon was my wise older friend lauri. after a long discussion, she recommended that i go with steve. she help me to see that i could make it clear that it wasn't a date, i wouldn't owe him anything after the fact, and that i'd get a free concert out of it.
so i called the boy back and we made plans for our non-date. and i went...thinking that i would probably never hand out with him again.
obviously, i was wrong.
oh yeah, the extra ticket steve happened to have? i found out months later that he didn't have an extra ticket, but had purchased it when he decided to ask me...hoping that i would go...
even though nothing significant happened a year ago yesterday, you should know that our dear friend nate cybertron was prepping me for whatt would happen a year ago today. the first text from him seemed so innocent: "what are you doing wednesday night?" my response, "nothing, you want to hang out?" was returned with, "you'll have to see and wait." (yes, he really wrote see and wait, not wait and see)
more confused, i bombarded him with texts that really got me no more answers which then prompted me to bug him more over the course of the next couple of days. it wasn't until two days later that i had a clue; this time the message read "you will be receiving a call this evening. make sure you answer."
he was right. at 7:09 pm, the phone rang, and of course, i screened it.
in what i now affectionately call his radio voice, steve said he had an extra ticket to a concert that a bunch of people were going to and that he thought i might like to use it. after hearing the message, i had no idea what to do. at this point, i still wanted very little to do with him. i most definitely did not want him to think this was a date nor did i want him to think that it would lead to more hanging out. i did what any woman in my situation would do: i called another woman. only the woman i called upon was my wise older friend lauri. after a long discussion, she recommended that i go with steve. she help me to see that i could make it clear that it wasn't a date, i wouldn't owe him anything after the fact, and that i'd get a free concert out of it.
so i called the boy back and we made plans for our non-date. and i went...thinking that i would probably never hand out with him again.
obviously, i was wrong.
oh yeah, the extra ticket steve happened to have? i found out months later that he didn't have an extra ticket, but had purchased it when he decided to ask me...hoping that i would go...
Monday, November 14, 2011
the story behind the story
so the story continues.....slowly.
although this is the anniversary of the beginning of our story, nothing significant happened on this day. in light of this, i thought it would be appropriate to share the back story as it makes the whole thing even better. therefore, i give you...
the prequel, in two parts
the part that involves steve
nearly three years ago, i started attending a new church. i met a friendly guy there named matt who helped me to connect to a bigger network of people my age. one evening matt had invited me over to his house for a birthday party for some guy i had never met (yes, it's steve). when i arrived there, matt informed that the plan had changed and that we were going bowling instead. that night is somewhat foggy, but i do remember it being somewhat strange. i had crashed a stranger's birthday party. i also remember not being particularly fond of the birthday boy nor his best friend. and as i sometimes have a tendency to do, i stuck with my first impression, basically avoiding interactions with steve and his bff when i could.
the part that doesn't involve steve
i had spent the summer in california. as i prepared to return home, i couldn't shake the nagging feeling that there was something big coming my way. before i left california one of my friends told me that she felt like God had something new....new life...new fruit just ahead for me. i ended up getting a full time job that i was really excited about and was surprised when the feeling didn't go away. i had put my online dating adventures on hold for the summer and decided to start back up again a couple of months after my return. as usual, i had a few one time dates that turned into nothing typically followed by a small crush on some random boy at church. when november began, i was in deep in conversation with an online boy. conversation turned into good date. good date turned into great second date. great second date turned into big disaster. i laid in bed after big disaster, crying, and literally talking out loud to God. why can't i just meet someone from the same church, with the same core beliefs. that just wants to love on children who may not even be our own. who will love me exactly as i am, but never let me live in complacency. i think i'm done. i'm just done.
i was not only done looking for the various desired characteristics in a man. i was done looking for the sheer basics. and really, i was just done looking.
and then one week later...
although this is the anniversary of the beginning of our story, nothing significant happened on this day. in light of this, i thought it would be appropriate to share the back story as it makes the whole thing even better. therefore, i give you...
the prequel, in two parts
the part that involves steve
nearly three years ago, i started attending a new church. i met a friendly guy there named matt who helped me to connect to a bigger network of people my age. one evening matt had invited me over to his house for a birthday party for some guy i had never met (yes, it's steve). when i arrived there, matt informed that the plan had changed and that we were going bowling instead. that night is somewhat foggy, but i do remember it being somewhat strange. i had crashed a stranger's birthday party. i also remember not being particularly fond of the birthday boy nor his best friend. and as i sometimes have a tendency to do, i stuck with my first impression, basically avoiding interactions with steve and his bff when i could.
the part that doesn't involve steve
i had spent the summer in california. as i prepared to return home, i couldn't shake the nagging feeling that there was something big coming my way. before i left california one of my friends told me that she felt like God had something new....new life...new fruit just ahead for me. i ended up getting a full time job that i was really excited about and was surprised when the feeling didn't go away. i had put my online dating adventures on hold for the summer and decided to start back up again a couple of months after my return. as usual, i had a few one time dates that turned into nothing typically followed by a small crush on some random boy at church. when november began, i was in deep in conversation with an online boy. conversation turned into good date. good date turned into great second date. great second date turned into big disaster. i laid in bed after big disaster, crying, and literally talking out loud to God. why can't i just meet someone from the same church, with the same core beliefs. that just wants to love on children who may not even be our own. who will love me exactly as i am, but never let me live in complacency. i think i'm done. i'm just done.
i was not only done looking for the various desired characteristics in a man. i was done looking for the sheer basics. and really, i was just done looking.
and then one week later...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
the lie you've all been waiting for
kids, it is never good to tell a lie. (imagine that in a ted mosby voice. okay, okay, i admit, i've been watching too much of "how i met your mother".) seriously though, lies, more often than not end in hurt, mistrust, and trouble. but today, i'm not talking about those kind of lies. i'm talking about the one lie that actually ended with one of the best things that ever happened to me.
i've mentioned this lie before: here. it was not my lie, but my friend nate's, er...uh...i mean cybertron (nate's has always wanted to have a robotic pseudo name to "protect the identity of the innocent".)
anyway back to the lie....
it was a year ago today. i was photographer extraordinaire in the kids area at our church for two services. during a lull in my photo taking, i found myself hanging out in the boardroom with several of the musicians; three of them noteworthy: alex (who was fairly distracted. he ended up proposing to his girlfriend later that evening. happy one year of your engagement alex and megan!), steve (some random guy that i never really paid attention to), and nate/cybertron (my friend who i talked to and hung out with regularly). this was just an innocent time wasting session of no significance, but it was how the evening started nonetheless.
it was the very end of the evening that is of note. i was in conversation with a church intern when random guy steve, on his way out of the building, did the awkward hand in the middle of the back rub goodbye. what made it awkward was that we were not friends; we weren't really even friendly. and when one person does the awkward touch thing when two people of the opposite sex aren't even friendly, the other's mind starts to wonder. and what does one do when the mind starts to wonder? of course, revert back to the ways of junior high and ask friends to give you the scoop. and so, i called upon nate/cybertron.
my intentions really were to find out if steve was indeed exhibiting an interest in me, and if he were, to figure out how to squelch it as i did not reciprocate. nate/cybertron answered my questions in what i believe to be an honest way: but little did i know, he was feeding steve total lies.
"she thinks you're cute." "you should ask her out." and other assorted statements that i never even alluded to saying let alone actually said.
did i think he was cute? no.
did i want him to ask me out? absolutely not.
do i now want to spend the rest of my life with him?
i couldn't imagine spending it with anyone else.
but i how i got there is whole other story. and it starts with a phone call, involves a couple of people, a walk in the park, a movie, and of all things, ends (or begins) with another phone call.
stay tuned.....
i've mentioned this lie before: here. it was not my lie, but my friend nate's, er...uh...i mean cybertron (nate's has always wanted to have a robotic pseudo name to "protect the identity of the innocent".)
anyway back to the lie....
it was a year ago today. i was photographer extraordinaire in the kids area at our church for two services. during a lull in my photo taking, i found myself hanging out in the boardroom with several of the musicians; three of them noteworthy: alex (who was fairly distracted. he ended up proposing to his girlfriend later that evening. happy one year of your engagement alex and megan!), steve (some random guy that i never really paid attention to), and nate/cybertron (my friend who i talked to and hung out with regularly). this was just an innocent time wasting session of no significance, but it was how the evening started nonetheless.
it was the very end of the evening that is of note. i was in conversation with a church intern when random guy steve, on his way out of the building, did the awkward hand in the middle of the back rub goodbye. what made it awkward was that we were not friends; we weren't really even friendly. and when one person does the awkward touch thing when two people of the opposite sex aren't even friendly, the other's mind starts to wonder. and what does one do when the mind starts to wonder? of course, revert back to the ways of junior high and ask friends to give you the scoop. and so, i called upon nate/cybertron.
my intentions really were to find out if steve was indeed exhibiting an interest in me, and if he were, to figure out how to squelch it as i did not reciprocate. nate/cybertron answered my questions in what i believe to be an honest way: but little did i know, he was feeding steve total lies.
"she thinks you're cute." "you should ask her out." and other assorted statements that i never even alluded to saying let alone actually said.
did i think he was cute? no.
did i want him to ask me out? absolutely not.
do i now want to spend the rest of my life with him?
i couldn't imagine spending it with anyone else.
but i how i got there is whole other story. and it starts with a phone call, involves a couple of people, a walk in the park, a movie, and of all things, ends (or begins) with another phone call.
stay tuned.....
 |
| "cybertron" (hey just trying to protect the innocent) |
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