thought pattern

i hate when i'm absent from blogging, yet for some reason, i struggle to log in and put the ideas from head onto "paper." tonight, i created my own coffee shop in my kitchen in order to escape the frigid temperatures outside. with the oven on and open for extra warmth, my favorite candle lit (cranberry mandarin), a hot drink at my side, and loud christmas music in the background, one would think that i was prepared for an evening of writing; for the blog; for grad school. i've been sitting here for about an hour; thinking. about my day. about my year. about what next year is about to hold--endings in site; new beginnings, new challenges ahead. thinking about friends: one going through a rough time (Lord, please heal her heart), one stepping bravely into her past (Lord, please protect her from lies), one still mysterious in many ways (Lord, what the heck?). thinking about churches and foster children; lifetime movies and work to be done tomorrow. i should be thinking about what motivated me to be a teacher and why grad school would help me accomplish my personal and professional goals. but grandpa comes to mind, and then grandma which of course leads to thinking of the holiday this week. my grandma and i share a love for the same christmas carol. i love to sing...to worship from my inner most being. i love when i allow myself to write freely. i love to tell stories. to paint detailed pictures in the listener's mind. can i write freely in an essay for entrance to grad school? wish i could just sing for them. alas, singing has very little to do with teaching. motivation for teaching? i think i'll go play the guitar.