random, but not coincidental (18)

i'm a fairly emotional person. i understand things based on how they make me feel or how they relate to my life and experiences. because of this, i have never considered myself to have the ability to think deeply about more heady issues. i've found myself many times backing away from anything theoretical, political, theological, or that might end in a debate in which i would have no idea how to defend what i think.

my eighteenth person happens to be a relatively new person in my life; we have not known each other even a year yet. our meeting was random yet not coincidental. i know that god wanted us to be friends because four months after our random meeting, i looked across the auditorium of my new church to see his face. unbeknownst to the other, we had each decided to make it our new church home.

i remember well the first time he asked me one of those questions that i like to avoid. i thought the fear would eat me alive, but there was no way to escape answering. when he responded, he did not make me feel stupid, but affirmed my ideas although he didn't completely agree with my thoughts. he engaged me in further conversation as if what i had to say actually mattered; as if it was important in some way. he gave me new ideas to ponder and fed me ways to continue the conversation. in many ways, he taught me how to think separate from my emotions.

i wonder how sometimes it only takes one tiny moment to overcome a lifetime of built up fear and insecurity. how something so great can be destroyed in mere seconds or minutes or hours. many times i think it involves another pushing you over the edge or doing something that causes a change so subtle or so fast that you have no chance to protest. this is what happened within me. unknowingly, russ had reached in and brought forth a new confidence for me before i could retreat.

a couple of days ago i found myself in a passionate conversation over a debatable topic and enjoying it; russ's greatest contribution to my life, but we're only ten months in to being friends. in many ways, he feels like the older brother i always wanted to have, and i'm certain there's more learning to be had; thinking to be done.