it looks like i'm having yet another sleepless night. the house is dark and quiet. the other inhabitants will awake in about five hours, about that time i will probably finally fall asleep. there's a lot to think about, and shutting my brain off is not something that comes naturally or easily. i just attended four church services in less than twenty-four hours. i guess i should go ahead and make the official announcement that i'm currently church shopping. this was not an easy decision considering i've been at my current church for almost five years and have not just been an attender, but have been initmately connected with several of the ministries. i've even been on the payroll. i noticed some discontentment about six months ago, but chose to sit on it for a while. then after being in the presence of an old spiritual leader of mine in october, i realized that i was aching for something i could not get at my current church. still, this church has a lot to offer. i value its mission and the way it is seen very tangibly among both the leaders and members. so i continued to pray for three more months. just before christmas, as i headed out to the parking lot after a sunday morning service, i felt this overwhelming sense that it was just time to move on. whether or not God was giving me permission or actually calling me away, i'm not completely sure, but i do feel a sense of peace. not wanting to spend a lot of time in the initial searching process led to strategically taking advantage of odd service times. i hit a 6:30 last night, and a 9am, 11am, and 5pm today. crazy, i know.

one of the churches i visited, i was very nervous about visiting as i know no one that goes there (except for one pastor of another church that attends this church on occasion so that he can get his fix of "rock out worship"). my marital status nor my dating status have changed which means i'm doing this church shopping thing alone. you would think that it wouldn't be an issue seeing as how i've done a lot of pretty major things in life "alone." (i put that in quotes because i always have supporters). for some reason, checking out this church, being the girl walking in looking like a freshman on the first day of school, finding a seat for one, and trying to connect to God in a place unfamiliar sent the butterflies soaring. a couple of songs in to worship i found myself overcome with peace and an ability to worship freely despite my initial feelings. this church is not the type of church that two years ago i would have thought i would be attending much less considering it as my church home. i will admit that even though God had worked on quite a bit of my heart in the last couple of years, i still entered this church building with doubts, and maybe even looking for things to be a little judgemental about (i'm so glad for God's grace!) amazingly, by the end of the service, many of the questions had been answered and the negative judgemental side had been warded off.

i thought i wouldn't know any of the music. thanks to my recent ventures in worship leading for work and my wonderful friend/guitar teacher/co-worship leader, i actually knew some of the songs. in fact, one of them was blaring from my mp3 player in the car on the drive to the church.

i thought this might be a church where people find it hard to be real. i've come to a point in my life where i cannot hide the truth, even when it is a crappy reality (although i'm usually pretty good about finding the positive). the guy who was leading worship was pretty transparent. he couldn't think of the next song they were going to sing, and he said so. he made some sarcastically funny comment about their transitions from song to song . it wasn't polished. he wasn't ashamed. and worship was really great. if being real, who you are in the moment (in an appropriate way, that is) is portrayed on the stage, it has to exist somewhere in the body, if not throughout the body as a whole.

as if the candidness of the worship leader and subduing of doubts weren't enough, God hit me with a sermon that i quite honestly hadn't been expecting. it wasn't anything profound or anything new really, but it perfectly paralleled the book i've been using for my devotions. in the hours before this service, i had read a portion of the book and felt so compeled to worship my creator that i actually got out my guitar and played all five chords i know in a pattern that somewhat (hopefully) resembled a chris tomlin song. i really didn't think i would have that feeling again the whole week, not to mention the same day. really, God, the same thing again? you're good.

part of what the speaker had to say revolved around silence and listening to God. while these were not the themes i found currently familiar, they still resonated; caused me to think. i actually went back to that church for their evening service tonight. same songs. same speaker. same sermon. i returned because i wanted to hear it again...to pick up anything i had left when i walked out the door.

this is the third sleepless night i've had this week. one night was so sleepless that i was still awake when my roommate left for work at 6am. last night was fairly sleepless...as i think tonight will be. my mind is spinning...thinking, no analyzing, all of my church visits today. in the midst of all this thinking there is a part of me that really questions: am i really thinking that much? is there really much to think about? is this really a sleepless night or is it really the Lord trying to get me to shush and listen?

shush. listen.