Sunday, January 08, 2006

a glimpse of my heart

Do you ever feel like you know so many people that it paralyzes you in a state of loneliness? People are all around you all of the time. They want you to hang out, to talk, to be in your presence...but all that you can do is retreat to room behind a closed door?

It's funny how life's situations mold our character. And even funny-er how much a more recent event can reshape us. There is this group of people from my church, mostly singles, that get together for lunch every Sunday after church. It's a great idea to promote togetherness and friendships. I support the concept completely. Except for the fact that I never go. The weird part about my absence is that last year at this time, I was one of the spearheaders of a similar Sunday lunch group. Why the change? Why, when church is over each Sunday, do I return to my empty apartment to do my own Sunday afternoon thing?

An even bigger question? Why is it that I am most comfortable spending time with married-with-children women? What is it about these women that makes me much more comfortable than the singles, twentysomething crowd? Why is it that I look forward to my new found Thursday night Stern family time so much more then the parties I get invited to on the weekends? (Anyone who knows the Sterns would say it's just because of how incredible they are, which is true, but not my point)

I have discovered that the mere beginning of an answer to my questions...all of them actually, is intimacy (platonic, that is) . When the ways of life are hard or even just the opposite..way good, I long to have just one or two, maybe three close friends (outside of my family) to call and share with. Instead I have to sit and think about who to call...which of the 700 people that I know??

This intimacy is definately present in a couple of friendships...unfortunately one is halfway across the country-permanently-and the other is in Iowa. I think my heart (and the rest of me) could truely benefit from a friendship just like those two, only with a person physically here in St. Louis. Is it okay to ask God for that? It doesn't matter, I'm going to anyway:)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Interesting post, Amanda. I too understand the desire for intimacy with a small group of friends. Sitting talking over tea or a beer (the beverage is really not that important, though I think I prefer tea to beer)with a few friends is one of life's greatests joys.

I don't know if it has to be an either/or thing, though. Might not one participate both intimate gatherings and larger ones? Perhaps not, though, if only because there is a limited amount of time in one's life.

Also, I think that this post pinpoints some of the differences between how married folk and singles socialize and with whom they tend to socialize.

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